When God Says “No”

To know me is to know that nothing is normal when it comes to my health and my body. It does what it wants, when it wants, and doesn’t really adhere to what is “normal” or “textbook.” Everything is always “normal,” yet not really. And this story, well, it’s really no different.

If you had asked me what one of my biggest fears in life was I would have told you that I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to carry a child. That the experience of pregnancy would be something that my body wouldn’t and/or couldn’t endure, or at least not easily. Even in our early dating as Drew and I talked about our future, I expressed my deep concerns about having children and that I was so scared that it would be a really tough road with an ending that I was unsure about. To tell you that it was a deep worry would be putting it mildly.

I remember sitting at a table over dinner, with tears in my eyes, having this conversation with Drew. And the part that I remember most are these words he said to me… “God is bigger than our fears, and I am trusting that this will be a moment that He shows us that. We’ve been through a lot of hard, I am praying this desire of our hearts is not one of those.” He was so confident, and I wish I could tell you that it sunk into my heart and I felt it as strongly as he did… but that also wouldn’t be true. I still felt scared. I still felt worried. (and yes, I cried again just typing that out… what a precious gift he is to me).

I knew that with each passing day, the odds of a pregnancy journey were closing in, that I was getting older (geriatric in the “baby” world), had complications that often causes infertility, and so on. The thought overwhelmed by mind and my heart. Was it a valid or fair worry or concern, not really, we would absolutely do whatever it would take, but it for sure was consuming my thoughts, and as much as I hate to admit it… it’s true.

For the last few years I had done a lot of research on some of my complications and learned a lot about things I could do to potentially help my body be ready for the day when it was time to conceive. And I did those things. I exercised. I ate in a relatively healthy manner, and eliminated many foods that were known to cause my symptoms to be worsened. That journey wasn’t easy. I missed out on a lot of my favorite things because of this decision, but meal after meal, sweet treat after sweet treat I would remind myself of the end game, and if this played even just the smallest part in making that dream a reality, then it would be 100000% worth it.

And so I lived with that little (or if I’m being honest, really big) fear. Without some of my favorite foods. And with a lot of time spent talking to my Father. It was my life. And I was content in knowing that I was doing what I could to help my body do its part. And slowly learning to lean in and trust Him to also do His part. Why did I feel like He would fail me now? He’s never failed me before.

…. now, fast forward with me a little bit to January of 2023… yes… just 5 months ago. The time had come to stop taking the “pill” and to allow my body to begin finding its own normal rhythm without the aid of synthetic hormones and the like. We had prayed for His guidance, and felt like it was time to begin this journey. I wasn’t getting younger. Our days were not going to get less chaotic, so why worry about that. And, if it was going to be a lengthy journey, starting sooner would only help my body and us in the process. So… that’s what we did. Had doctor visits, bloodwork draws, temperature checks, the whole nine yards to ensure we had the most accurate picture of what we were looking at in terms of how prepared my body was going to be…

In March we received a phone call from the Nurse Practitioner at my OB/GYN’s office to review my bloodwork numbers and to give me further instruction on what the next few months were going to look like. Basically, my conclusions from the at home testing I had been doing had proven correct, my body wasn’t ovulating. Numbers weren’t changing as they should, etc. So she gave me the rundown of what the next three months were going to look like. A very rigid schedule of events. Medications. More bloodwork and doctors appointments. But, she was encouraging and told me not to worry, that this was just a small step and that they were with me through the process.

Ok. Cool. We have a plan, and we all know that this girl lives for a good plan. And I LOVE it when the doctor is actually able to tell me a problem and potential solution, not just that “everything is normal” when it’s clearly not. So, even in the sadness I felt for my “wonky body”, I was so encouraged and ready to move into our next phase. Let’s do this, Baby Sprayb, we’re coming for you… I would start the meds in a few weeks.

But… I never started them. Never took ONE single pill.
Call it a “Mother’s Intuition” or just a little over hopeful, I really don’t know… but when my cycle wasn’t early or being wonky like normal, it caused the little alarm bells to go off in my head and I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday, March 21st. It came back with two faint-ish lines, and I just chalked it up to a faulty test, expecting at any moment my dreams would be crushed with the norm beginning. But, the instructions told me to test again in two days if the results were not conclusive, so what did I do? Took another test as soon as I got up on Thursday morning. Same lines, only slightly darker. Whaaa? Surely not. There is NO way, right? My body isn’t ovulating. This isn’t supposed to happen.” <drives to buy a more accurate test>

Another test.
Even darker pink lines.
Ok. Ok. I think it’s official, at least in terms of a positive pregnancy test that there is a little one growing inside. Now to wait an ETERNITY for Drew to get home from a conference for me to tell him. Of alllll the days for him to not be sitting at his desk 3 minutes from our house and coming home for lunch. Talk about needing patience that I really don’t have.

That afternoon as we stood on our porch in utter amazement, and a little stunned, I kept hearing the Lord say “why didn’t you trust me?” And my heart broke. I was saddened by the fact that I know He’s never failed me and that I even worried that He would now. Trust and never doubt, Katelyn. Trust and NEVER doubt.

We hear about the Lord answering our prayers with a yes, no, or maybe all the time. We teach it to our students, we’ve heard it from the pulpit, we read it on the interwebs. It’s everywhere. And it’s true, He always answers us, but sometimes His answers surprise us and leave us a little speechless.

This story was to tell you about a time when He showed up and said “NO!” Don’t lean into that story, don’t believe the worst, trust Me to come through in your story in a way that you could have NEVER imagined. What we had prayed for was the Lord’s will, but what we had believed was more of the “world” and what medicine could tell us. He put a big NO in that story with an exclamation point that said “that is not going to be your story. What you’ve been told is not how this moment is going to unfold. I have bigger things ahead.” He reminded us of His goodness to come through in a moment when we felt weak. Like the world was going to spin faster than we were able to keep up.

Friends, am I telling you that I’ve been slapped around and perfected that “not worrying” part, not hardly, but I am trying to lean in and remember these lessons. I am trusting Him, even in my new fears (growing a kid is stressful), that He is bigger and stronger and greater than ANYTHING I could ever worry and have fear about. He is good. All the time. And all the time, He is good. No matter what the answer to our prayers may be.

What is that “thing” that you are worried about? What causes you to lose sleep at night or to feel stressed and irritable during that day? Is there a worry that nags you so much that it makes it hard to celebrate life’s joys with others? Take it from me, I get it. But also hear me when I say: He hears you and He’s with you. He knows those fears even when you try to keep them from Him. He is walking beside you on the journey. Will you acknowledge his presence with you and let Him hold you when you feel like crumbling? Don’t follow my lead, but hear my heart, and the lessons I’ve learned along the way. He’s reminded me time and time again that He’s with me, and He had to slap me around a little bit this time to get it through my tough noggin’. He’s still with me. And He’s still in the MIRACLE working business.

So. Without further ado, please let me introduce you to Baby Sprayb! Our little Iron Bowl nugget who will be arriving late November 2023.