the hardest year yet.

It’s been 3,286 days since you left your earthly home and your faith became sight as your saw your Jesus face to face.

9 years.

And it’s been more days than that since we were able to hear your voice or see your smile that would light up a room.

With each passing year I thought that the grief might ease some, and I guess in some ways it has, but the deep reality is that this last year has been by far the hardest yet. Over the years I have mourned the fact that I would never have the opportunity to tell you that I was having a baby and that my baby would never know the pure JOY that comes from knowing you! And over this last year as I have lived out the reality of those previously mourned emotions, the grief has felt even more real.

What I would have given to walk into your house and see your face when I told you that your baby girl was having a baby.
What I would have given to see that smile and excitement when you saw the pink confetti burst out of that cannon.
What I would have given to see the tears stream down your face as you walked into the hospital room and snuggled your name sake up into your arms…
What I would have given to dress her in clothes you so perfectly made just for her.
What I would have given.

But alas, there was nothing I could do to change the “what I would have givens” and I had to continue leaning in to knowing that you had the best seat in the house, and that you are with us, even if not in physical form. You’re watching, all of these moments unfold, but goodness it’s not always easy to feel ok in that reality.

When the day came in our pregnancy journey to pick a name for our girl, there was no question, she would carry YOU with her forever. It has always been my greatest honor to know that I was named after one of my most favorite humans, so obviously there was no question than to name my girl after that very person. Our Ava Elaine. For she to will continue carrying YOUR legacy.

Over the last year that I’ve learned how deeply a name can settle in someone’s spirit. Probably one of the sweetest things about her name for me is that it always sparks conversation about you. Every time we see Uncle Tony he talks about Ava Elaine and her being named after “momma”. It always makes my heart smile to know that even in his current memory state, your name and my girl being named after you is never far from the forefront of his mind. He always smiles when he mentions you. We all do.

You’re in her eyes. That deep blue ring that circles her stunning eyes. That’s you.

You’re in the way she instantly calms when we start singing Victory in Jesus.

You’re in the way she loves food.

You’re in the way she loves people.

You’re in the way she giggles when mom sings Little Brown Jug to her.

We see you in her. And that gives my heart comfort.

While she will never fully know the warmth of your embrace, hear the stories of old from you, sing alongside you as you sing your favorite hymns, or know the pure perfection that was your biscuits and gravy, she WILL know her Nana Elaine. Her namesake. And while she will never know you this side of Heaven, I am confident that you’ll still be one of her favorite people because of you in each of us.

So here I am again, waking up with tears streaming down my face because I miss you even more today than I thought possible… not because I’d ever wish you back from the streets of gold, but because my flesh is weak and it’s sad. My flesh wants you here with me, with us. And with my girl. And with mom as she loves on our girl everyday just like you did for me.

Even in the sad, I know that this year is just one year closer to seeing you again!

Until we take our last breath here and join you with our Jesus, we will keep singing your songs, keep telling your stories, and keep loving people like you taught us to do… like Jesus loves us!

We adore you. We miss you. And we are so thankful for the “YOU” that we still have with us in the small details each day.

Love you the MOST, precious lady!