13 years & some tears.
So, below are the words I frantically typed away in the wee hours of the morning before a really big day a few days ago. I typed for and from my heart, with no timeline for when or if this blog and its ramblings would ever make it to the inter webs public eye. But, the more I read over it (once again, for my heart), the more I realize it’s bigger than just some words on a “page”, but prayers being answered before my very eyes. It’s real, vulnerable, and a little raw, but isn’t that life? Proceed with caution for a glimpse of what my brain looked like before my first date in a v v long time.
October 30 - wee hours of the morning:
It’s been 13 years to the month since I went on my last first date. I was 20. Today I’m 33 and doing this again.
And, not only 13 years since that first date, but over 7 since my last date period. Sure, there was that one random coffee outing with the weird Bumble guy a few years ago, but does that really even count?!? I’d venture to say no. So, I’ll stick with my original statement, not one date.
To say I’m a little apprehensive would be an understatement, but at the same time, elated. So incredibly excited. Honored. Pursued. Chosen. Maybe for one date, maybe for two, maybe for forever. The Lord is the only one that knows, but for today, and this date, they are true, I am those things and feeling those emotions deep in my bones.
The trauma that my heart experienced causes me to be unsure of myself, unsure of others, and unsure of how to let my heart feel. It has caused me to walk through a great deal of healing, but there are also stones that are unturned as they’ve not been given the opportunity to be turned over and dealt with. And that my friends is scary. Terrifying if I’m being honest. Do I want to be over the season of dealing with them, umm, yes, amen, of course… but also, doing so hurts and we don’t love doing hurtful things. So there’s that.
Until this morning, the BIG DAY, I had not shed a tear. I had been nothing but beside myself, picking out clothes, making sure my “rona” test was negative, blah blah blah. The motions, logistics, getting myself together. But this morning, in the early morning dark of my room, where the only noise is the deep breathing of my Maggie as she sleeps soundly at the foot of the bed, a few tears leaked down my face. Not of sadness, or worry, not even a little bit. But of sincere gratefulness. For 7 (ok, maybe not the full 7, but still) I have spent so much time praying for the day when this part of my healing process would begin. My friends have prayed. My family has shaken the Throne on my behalf. And I’m sure some strangers who I don’t even begin to know have prayed as well. All for my heart to heal and for the Lord to send me the husband that my heart so deeply desires. That’s humbling, friends.
And, like I said above, today could be one date, twelve dates, or it could be the beginning of forever dates, right now I can’t know. But what I can fully know is that today is a part of God’s plan for me, (and for this special man), and I am resting fully in that. He knows best. He loves me more than anyone else in this world. And His plan has already exceeded my wildest dreams, and today will be no different. And that, my friends, is the ONLY reason I truly need to be thrilled.
Drew, as I write this morning, the morning of the date, you do not know my full story. You do not know the broken pieces that you are a part of helping to heal. You had no idea that just by first asking me to coffee and quickly switching those plans to a day trip to the ATL would be such a pivotal day for me. You do not know the deep trauma that my heart had experienced or how I needed the pursuit of a Godly man to sooth even my deepest nerves. You do not know the little details that make me me, but even still you asked. And for that I will forever be grateful, and honored. I know today is likely not an easy one for you too. Your heart has experienced much pain and loss over the last few years, and this step is not one that comes easy, I am quite sure. But, our prayer warriors are surrounding us today, for the healing of both hearts and for the best day ever, I can feel those prayers even now as I lay here typing away in the dark. What a gift. A gift that will never be lost on this girl. I hope that you always know, no matter what happens after today, that today was a gift and that I’m honored to be the person you chose to make this first big step with.
So, now that I’ve gotten all of that out, shed some tears, talked to the Father, and felt a little more anxiety, it’s time to get “dolled up” as some boy called it, I’ve got a DATE TODAY!!!
Atlanta, you’ve always been a fun date spot, and today we’re coming for ya. Exploring, dinner, Needtobreathe. A great day is ahead, I feel it DEEP in those excited, nervous, grateful bones.
October 31, wee hours of the morning reflections from the day:
The sweetest, most genuine, heartfelt day. More than I could honestly think or imagine.
Won’t He do it!
When you spend 15 hours with someone, there is a LOT of time to talk. And for two talkers, you end up back at the original starting point realizing there is still much to be said. The awkward silence that sometimes finds you on a date, it was non-existent.
Today - you were a soothing balm to a damaged heart. A gift of great magnitude from the Father. A day that will forever be a stepping stone into a new season, no matter what that may look like. There is a new pillar in the ground and this girl has a reassurance that she is worthy of every last minute that she is gifted with and that the honor of someone wanting to be a part of those minutes is something I will never not be grateful for.
So. Drew. Thank you for letting me cry (even though you hid your tears and I’m still a little salty about that). Thank you for truly asking and wanting to know my answers, and listening as I stumbled through them… or talked in circles at 1 am. Thank you for sharing your heart and for giving me the gift of knowing it more. Thank you for being YOU and caring about me. I will forever be grateful for October 30th, no matter what may come after it.