All of It, Redeemed.
7 years.
83 months.
365 weeks
2554 days.
61,275 hours.
3,676,549 minutes.
That’s exactly how long it’s been since what I thought was going to be my future, my forever, changed. To calculate, or Google, that seems crazy, right? Why would one want to know, down to the minute, when you experienced some of the worst pain you’ve ever felt. Why would you want to ever think about that night and the days to follow? It’s been quite a while, is it not about time to move on, to forget that day, and to not acknowledge that day as anything more than another day in January?
Maybe. But, I am not there yet. And truthfully, I do not know that I ever want to be there. I firmly believe that some days are meant to stick with us forever, continually teaching us with every passing year.
January 12, 2014. A normal day turned heartbreaking in an 8-minute drive from one city to the next. A small talk conversation about the latest Food Network episode turned into devastating words before I could even grasp what was going on. My world was mere seconds from crashing down around me. Shaking. Tears. Gagging (yes, that’s weird, I know). All of a sudden, on a cold night in January, I became really grateful for my driveway as it was becoming a safe haven, a place of comfort that I’d never imagined it being. It would also become a place where I would listen to some really tough words and where I had to accept that what I thought was going to be forever was no longer. Over. Done. It was time to take off that stunning ring that I’d worn for over 3 years. The wedding that we’d postponed was now for sure not happening. Oooff. Talk about pain. Stunned.
And as I walked into my house, I knew deep down that tomorrow would come, but at that moment, I was having a hard time believing it.
Now, fast forward.
2015. 2016. 2017. 2018. 2019. 2020. And now 2021. All subsequent years in which I thought I would have reached a point where I didn’t want to write about that day or that I would simply be able to wake up and go about my day without it tugging at my heart. But I have come to realize that the Lord just is not done with that day yet. He is not finished teaching me. And He never wants me to move on and not remember what that day meant in my life. And maybe, just maybe, through my words He wants to remind you of something too.
Now, before we go on, let me be clear. Yes, I have healed and do not dwell on this day, at least not in a “poor pitiful me” kind of way. But I do stop and remember it – to some that may be unhealthy and they might suggest that I am stuck there, but for me, it is a day to pause, remember, and focus on thankfulness that may not always be thought about the other 364 days of the year. So, for now, and maybe forever, I will rejoice in what today means in my life.
Over the last 7 years, there have been many tears shed. Moments where I’d hoped that I would have some new memories, or maybe even a new relationship, to cover up all of the trauma that those days caused, and while a LOT of that is true, not all of it is. New memories, yes, more than I can count, new relationship, not so much (we’ll save that topic for another day).
So many memories, all of which I would not trade for the entire world. I’ve seen much of the world. I’ve gained friendships that I didn’t know I needed. I started a new career. I adopted the world’s greatest pup (don’t @ me, she is the best). I have served in areas that I had forgotten how much I loved. And, I’ve experienced my Father in the REALEST of WAYS! All because HE IS FAITHFUL.
To say that the last 7 years were something that I would have ever expected would not be true, I mean, writing a blog about the last 7 years of singleness was not exactly in my “life plan” or where I saw myself at 32. But alas, here I am, and I am grateful for what my life IS and NOT what it could have been. The Lord rescued me that day. I didn’t know it, but He did.
I could go on and on (maybe I will at a later date), my friends, recounting what could have been. And honestly, what is.
But what I really want to tell you is this:
What has been taken away and you don’t understand why?
What diagnosis have you received and the prognosis is not what you’d hoped?
Does where you are standing in life look MUCH different than where you’d imagined yourself being?
Do you have a date that sticks out every year for one reason or another?
Has someone hurt you or someone you love and you suffer silently?
Hear me. Please.
You are not alone.
Your story is NOT finished just because of that person, circumstance, diagnosis, etc.
And the best part: HE IS WORKING TO REDEEM EACH AND EVERY PART FOR HIS GLORY!
For most of you reading this, it will come as NO surprise to you that song lyrics speak deep into my bones. One of my most favorite, and one that has resonated with me so strongly is a song called You Will Redeem It All by Travis Cottrell. If you have not heard it, I highly recommend giving it a listen, especially if you find yourself in some of those moments I mentioned above.
But, the bridge of that song says:
Hallelujah in the waiting.
Hallelujah even then.
Hallelujah for the healing.
You will make a way again.
Yep, even just typing it out hits me in the feels.
Y’all, that is our God. That is the one who walks with us through our darkest days. He is the one who celebrates with us in triumph. And the one who carries us when we can’t get out of bed in the morning. He is the Light that shines bright and the Redeemer who rescues us, not only from the pains of other people, but also from ourselves.
As you’ve read, I hope that you were reminded that even when we can’t see the next day, He can, and His plan far outweighs ours. I never expected to write this. I never imagined that January 12, 2014 would be a day defined me. But it was. And, I think it’s safe to say that there are moments that have defined your life in ways you didn’t expect as well. Our day likely will not come without some tears shed, or bumps in the road, but they will ALWAYS be better when He is at the helm.
Be encouraged my friends.
As for me, you can have ALL of this world, but give me Jesus!
And…
One final note. Totally off subject. But a really great way to enter this year.
Roll Tide. :)